


And every day that you want to change.

by graceisintodrummers



Series: The perks of being in One Direction. [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hate, Liam's insecure, Love, Niall helps, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 12:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2387681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceisintodrummers/pseuds/graceisintodrummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"That you want to change, I'll help you see it through, cause I just really want to be with you."</p>
<p>Liam is happy, most of the time, he is happy and carefree, he is thankful for the life he has and the boys on his side and the dreams he is reaching out for, yes he is thankful and he has the feeling that he couldn't be happier.</p>
<p>But there are days he is nothing near that feeling. And with the stadium tour going so well and the thousands of fans smiling and shouting their names you should think the happy days should be more.<br/>But they are so rare tight now.</p>
<p>Or the one where Liam feels worthless and only Niall can make it better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And every day that you want to change.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything related to the boys and this might be triggering so be careful.
> 
> I started this a while ago, so this it why it takes place in Brazil.

Liam is happy, most of the time he is happy and carefree, not as carefree as Niall, but still, he is happy. He jokes with Louis and sings at the top of his lungs with Harry and dances with Zayn, cause it's kinda their thing and he is happy and god, he is thankful for the life he has and the boys on his side and the dreams he is reaching out for, yes he is thankful and he has the feeling that he couldn't be happier.

  
But there are days he is nothing near that feeling. And with the stadium tour going so well and the thousands of fans smiling and shouting their names you should think the happy days should be more.

But they are so rare tight now.

 

Liam will never get used to this. He will not get used to the thousands of people screaming their names, the sold out stadiums, the nights in the studio, the arms of his boys over his shoulders. After almost 4 years he still has to tell Louis to hit him when he gets overwhelmed with the way their lives turned out to be. He doesn't think he will ever be able to handle this.

But there's another thing he will never get used to and it started a really long time ago. Before he even knew the boys.

 

He has always thought it would go away when he gets older. The bullies, the hate, all of it. But especially the feeling of insecurity that fills him up ever so often. The feeling that he is not enough, that he is not worth it, nothing of this.

He knows this feeling. The first time he had it was in pre school. It got a lot worse in high school though, when no one showed up at this 16th birthday party.

He felt it while they were on Xfactor with this four beautiful, charming, talented boys beside him, he felt insecure more than ever before. But they captured him, held him, told him he is needed, loved. And somewhere along the way he started to believe it.

But the feeling is not gone, it is still there and it comes back now and then. Especially when he's getting as much hate as lately.

 

The thing is he doesn't understand why. It is almost funny how he sits in his hotel room somewhere in Brazil (he thinks, he never knows for sure where thy are, but it has to be Brazil because Harry can't shut up about how cool it is to be here), checking his twitter an suddenly feels like he is 16 again.

 

Niallersgirl96: What is @realliampayne even wearing? What is with the beanie? Haha #ugly

 

harrysdimplesxxx: eww @liampayne is so ugly, he ruins the whole sexy boyband thing

 

intozain: are there any Liam girls? Like at all? I don't think so haha xxx

 

1dinbrazil: When has Liam become so anoying? I liked him, but now...

 

Liam stops looking at his phone. They are right, if he thinks about it. He understands them when he looks at his band mates.

There's Louis, sneaky, sassy Louis, with a smile that no one can resist.

And Harry, charming and kind with his dimples and his huge heart.

Not to start with Zayn and his tattoos, his hair, his angelic voice, his everything.

And then there's Niall, who cheers everyone up and hugs you so tight and he has the most perfect eyes, like they are so blue and he plays the guitar perfectly on stage and he is so carefree and lovable.

How does he, Liam, look beside all of them. To be fair, he wouldn't like himself either.

He doesn't.

 

There is something else he knows from when he was younger. The one thing, the only thing that helps when he is feeling like this, is picking up a razor.

He knows he shouldn't, he really shouldn't do it. But it's just this one time right? Only once, only to feel a little better for a while. He won't do it again.

 

He has made two cuts along his left wrist and the tears sting in his eyes as he hears a knock on his door. Dammit.

 

“I...just a minute” he tries to make his voice sound normal.

 

“Everything okay Li?” He hears Niall through the door and starts to panic.

 

“Yeah, just...I'm coming!”

 

The cuts aren't deep, but they are still bleeding and he doesn't want anyone to see that really.

 

He picks up a grey sweater from the corner of his bed, he doesn't care if it's Niall's or why he has Niall's clothes lying on his bed and hopes it doesn't bleed trough.

 

“Hi!” He manages to smile as he opens the door.

 

“Nice sweater.” The younger boy notices and shoves himself into the room with two bags of food in one and two cups in the other hand.

 

“They don't have Nandos here. Can you believe it? How can they live here?”

 

He places everything including himself on the bed while Liam's still standing at the door not really understanding what is going on.

 

“Li, what's up? Are you coming? I'm starving!”

 

Liam closes the door gently behind him and joins Niall on the bed.

 

“Why are you here?” He asks, confused, even though it's normal for them to join each other in their rooms for dinner or a movie or maybe just for being not alone.

 

“Why not? Zayn's asleep and Harry and Louis are all couply and I'm hungry and...I missed you?”

The last words sound a little hesitant and Liam frowns at them because how could someone miss him? He is not worth missing.

 

Niall notices that something is wrong and he shoves the bags of food away so he can get closer to his friend.

 

“Is everything okay Payno?”

 

“Yes.” Liam says, but his mind screams NO, NO, NO.

 

And somehow Niall hears it.

 

“Oh Li.” He says and scoots even closer, wrapping both of his arms around the boy and Liam wants to fight it but Niall is holding him tight and finally he relaxes into the embrace.

 

“You can always talk to me, Li. I'm here you know?”

 

“Yeah, it..it's nothing.” Liam manages to say because he can't talk, not yet. He isn't ready.

 

“It's okay.” Niall whispers against his hair. “You don't have to tell me now. But I'm here whenever. There is nothing you can't tell me!”

 

And Liam thinks of his scars and his cuts and he isn't so sure about that.

 

“Let me cheer you up then!” The blonde boy places a kiss on Liam's cheek and why shouldn't he give it a try?

 

They eat and talk and laugh and with Niall being there Liam almost forgets about his insecurities and his cuts and he really has a nice evening. He dozes of somewhere during the third episode of Supernatural, his head on Niall's lap, who runs his fingers gently through the older boy's hair and maybe Liam just overreacted earlier and maybe everything is going to work out.

 

 

 

Liam wakes up to Niall screaming his name and he needs a second to remember where he is and why Niall is with him.

 

“Liam...what is this?” Niall's voice is full of panic and it's coming out of the bathroom and oh no.

 

The older boy stands up as fast as he can but it is too late. As he comes into the bathroom he finds Niall with a razor in his hand and a bloody towel lying on the floor and he is starring at him. The look in his blue eyes kills Liam.

 

“I cut while shaving.” If only his voice wasn't this fragile.

 

“Liam don't!” Niall cuts him of sharply. “Don't lie to me please.” He adds a little softer. But Liam cannot tell him, it's too much. Niall would hate him.

 

The younger boy is waiting for an answer and as soon as he realizes he isn't getting it from Liam he steps forward and takes his friend's hands into his. He looks straight into Liam's eyes as he roles up the sleeves and the older boy can't help but wonder why his eyes are so blue, like the sky on the first warm morning in a year.

 

Niall gasps as he sees the cuts. They stopped bleeding, but they're still red and new and Lima feels like he is going to throw up. He wants to explain it to Niall but the words don't come out of his mouth so he just watches how his friend lets go of him and turns around. Lima can't blame him. He would be disgusted too. He is to be honest. Disgusted with himself. He understands if Niall doesn't want to have anything to do with him any more. But still, he has too try.

 

“I'm sorry Niall.”

 

The blonde boys turns around by the sound of Liam's voice and why is he crying? That doesn't make any sense. He steps forward and embraces Liam into a hug, wrapping both of his arm around him, pulling him closer. And he cries into his shoulder.

 

“You are not the one who has to be sorry.”

 

And Liam doesn’t understand what is going on, but he let's Niall cry on his shoulder, holding him tight, and he holds still as after a while Niall wipes away his tears and looks at his arms again. He doesn't protest as Niall takes his hand and leads him to the bed. He sits down and he doesn't say a word as Niall looks at him with his beautiful blue eyes.

 

“Why?”

 

And apparently that is the question he need, a simple why. No “Don't do it again”, no “How could you be so weak”, no “I don't get it”, just “Why?”.

So Liam tells Niall everything. He tells him about the times he was bullied in school and how boxing lessons never really were enough, how he still cried himself to sleep everything, how he felt during the X-Factor days and how it is all coming back when he reads things he know he shouldn't. The tears stream down his face the whole time and normally he would be ashamed but Niall cries too, for some reason, so he figures it is okay.

 

“I know how stupid it sounds but I can't help the feeling that I'm worthless, you know, ugly and boring and just worthless.”

 

And then Niall kisses him. Liam doesn't know what he was expecting, but this was definitely not one of the possibilities.

 

Niall presses his lips against his and he tastes like tears because both of them are still crying and Niall's hands are in his hair and Liam has never felt like this before.

 

The kiss is over before he can react.

 

“Ni, I...what?”

 

“I love you Liam. I mean, we all love you, I thought you'd know that. And we need you, we wouldn't be here without you and even if we were I wouldn't want to be. Because we all love you Liam, the boys love you, you are their brother and you are the one who pushed us through rehearsals from the beginning and you are always there if anyone needs help, and they care for you but I, I love you, I'm in love with you. I only want to be here with you. Or anywhere really. I don't care what people are saying. I want you Liam. Because you are gorgeous and funny and you have an amazing voice, that makes my heart beat faster when you sing. And you look out for me, for all of us and I love you. Fuck I love you so much, I cannot imagine life without you.”

 

Niall breathes hard as he looks at Liam with tears in his eyes and the older boy tries to think of words to say but the only answer he finds is kissing Niall. So he does.

 

This kiss is softer and deeper somehow and Niall kisses him back immediately, parting Liam's lips with his tongue.

 

And Liam has never felt so good. He's never felt loved like now, when Niall is holding on to him and kisses him passionately and they are so close he can feel the other boy's heart beating against his skin.

 

But Niall breaks apart after awhile and looks at Liam seriously.

 

“Li, promise me, you'll never day that you are worthless ever again. Because you're not. Not at all, okay?”

 

“But...?”

 

“No buts here Liam. You're neither ugly or boring or worthless. And if you ever feel like that again, or if you feel like cutting or just down, you'll come to me. Or Zayn, Harry or Louis. We are all here for you. Don't shut us out. I love you. We love you. I, just please. Come to me, when you feel like this again and we'll try to figure it out. Please?”

 

The look in his eyes kills him and seriously, when did the his eyes get so blue?

 

“I...I'll try Niall. I promise.”

 

Niall smiles a little and intertwines their hands as he moves closer to Liam. “That's enough for now.” Then he kisses Liam's lips again, smiling against his mouth, whispering “I love you” over and over again. Then he pushes him back against the bed and lies down on top of him.

 

They do nothing but kiss for a while and for the first time in days or maybe weeks, Liam is able to think positive. He likes how Niall's lips find his collarbones and the sensitive point on his neck and how his hands are in his hair and his hips fit against his.

 

The kisses get slower after some time and eventually Niall rests his head against Liam's chest and locks their fingers. “Everything is going to be fine, Li. I'm here. We'll figure this out.” Lima nods and presses a kiss in Niall's blonde hair. “I...thank you.” He breathes in. “But Niall, this is...the feeling is not gonna go away over night. It...it's not going to be easy, I've been through this before, it need time, I...” Niall lifts his head and smiles at him. “Don't you think I know that Li? It's okay, we have time.”

 

“Oh.” Liam nods. “Well...” Niall pecks his lips. “It's okay Li.” He cuddles even closer and traces the tattoos on Liam's arms with the fingers because he knows it calm him down. “I'm here Li.”

 

And Lima nods and smiles, just concentrating on Niall's touch.

 

“Niall. I love you too.”  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks you for reading, I hope you liked it :)
> 
> Happy October everyone <3


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